I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
