i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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