i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
