My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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