Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
