I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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