But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
