In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
