The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
