I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
