Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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