i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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