Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Randomize
