he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
