Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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