I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
