She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
