I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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