I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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