I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
