Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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