I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Randomize
