My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
