Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
