i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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