I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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