Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
