2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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