i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
