we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
