Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
