ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Randomize
