I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
