Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
