Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
