someone threw a dead crab at me
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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