Got a toothbrush?
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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