if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
