I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
