In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
