In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I did not marry a roomba.
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