I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
