mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
