Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
