I accidentally had phone sex last night
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
