Please, let me fuck your mom
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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