there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
