Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
