There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
