I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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