I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
